Software Heaven ...
Ah, we were all brought up by hearing stories about mystical characters who live up above us. Its starts from Yama dharma to Chitragupta to Rakhshasa's to Mogini's. I am sure none of us (even who told such stories) would have seen them (they do not want to also), but the way they narate those stories, a screen un-winds in our mind and we start to paint faces for those unseen GOD's, you wont believe, for a long long time I used to co-relate our good old actor Mr. S.V. Ranga Rao as Yama always, dunno why, but when I hear stories about Yama, this guys face is vizualized in my mind.
OK, here is a small imagination of how our HELL or HEAVEN would be, if it has to like a typical software company which has Project Managers, Project Leads, Team Leads, Team Members, HR, Admin, Finance etc etc. Here I spell my imagination in that way and in my own style ...
: Hi, Chitragupta, How are you doing today ?
:: Hey dude ... i am doin cool ...
: So can you brief me with the status of the projects ?
:: Oh ya, the current one which is currently being worked upon is the "Bird-Flu" project, where we are expected to have a headcount of 500+ in INDIA and the rest at Onsite, but it looks like there a couple of unresolved issues in executing the "Bird-Flu" project as we are yet to decide on which bird we have to start with.
: Oh ok, why can't we start with Chicken ? I heard lotsa ppl are eating that, and its a pretty easy way to increase the head count, also its easy to hire lots of chicken for this.
:: Ah. not a bad idea, I would then as the HR team to talk to the rectuiters and employ more chicken, so by end of this week we can roll-out the Bird-Flu stuff worldwide.
:Ok cool, what next
:: We currently have an escalation on hand ?
: What's that ?
:: We actually hired a guy here last week, but it looks like we have hired him by mistake...
: Oh, thats bad ? Whats his experience ?
:: He is 55 yrs experienced, and his skill sets are into Politics, Cheating people, grabbing money from innocents, he has all bad habits we wanted, but ...
: But what ... his skill sets match perfectly for a resource at HELL
:: Thats ok, but our clients (Bus, Lorry, Train, they are all the clients) feel that he does not deserve such a natural recruitment, they want him to be sqeezed and then brought here.
: Oh, but I know there is no way he can get back to earth, so do one thing, put him under the recruitment team for HEAVEN, I know thats one area where we cannot find resources, and let him try his best to get some good quality people there.
:: Sure, will do that, but he will still be operating from HELL to recruit resources for HEAVEN
: Ok, makes sense. So any information on the deliveries ?
:: Yes, we have made a total of 11,34,567,768,234 new developments worldwide during last week, out of which, 23,443,534 pieces were defective and 54,353,532 pieces were taken back, as the owners of those products were not good.
: Hmm, If I need to draw a productivity metrics out of this, which team is more productive ? Is that the New Development team of the Firing team ?
:: Ah, its pretty difficult to say that, because the New Development is happening at a faster rate than the Firing team, especially our India Development Center is leading the deliveries table and they play a huge role in that ?
: Ah, I know, IDC is always fond of new development.
:: Also we have our messengers in earth (Bomb attacks, Epidemic, Floods, Fire accidents, Terror Attacks etc etc) who are trying their level best to improve the efficiency of firing department but, New Development team is much quicker than them.
: I am a little concerned about the numbers you have shown on the "Defective Pieces" that were delivered to our customers, are the QA guys doing their job ?
:: Ya, even I am a lil worried about that, I spoke to the QA (Vishnu) manager, he claims that the reason for defective pieces could be due to the health condition of the owners themselves. They are all addicted to Smoking, Drinking and other bad habits which eventually affects the new releases.
: Well, lets have an check on that and ask our Firing department to concentrate more on the resources who are drinking and smoking, I think its easy to hire those resources.
:: btw - I forgot to tell you this good news
: Whats that ?
:: There is another one project which is yet to be named, but we have started the development of that
: Oh, interesting, whats that ?
:: Its a very intersting project, where we can hire heaps and heaps of people in just a flash ?
: Sounds good ... Can you tell me more about that ?
:: Oh yaa, actually our development team has named it as "Global Warming" where it increases the temperature of the globe and it will cause serious damage at the later stage to all the people, and the beauty of this project is, the people will not have any sign's untill they actually face it.
: Good, so can you explain me the technical architecture of it ?
:: Its very simple, we are using a medium called "Plastic" to start with, which when thrown on ground and left as it is for a longer period of time, it creates a gas called "Chloro Fluro Carbon" which is very dangerous to all the resources, but unfortunately, our resources are so used to that material, so that they cant live without it, in short, its an enemy which sits amongst them and finally kill them. If this project becomes a great success, I am sure we need to expand our rectuitment team / HR, as we will have loads and loads of resources joining us every day.
: Hey cool Chitragupt, it was an wonderful status reporting and I wish you all the great success for your new project. We will continue chatting on this topic and let me know the updates.
: Oh, ya, its my pleasure Yama. Take care and talk to you later.