My Iron Lady is no more. She has been my mother, my friend, my granny and my ultimate supporter and motivator. These incidents do make me go angry on GOD and then make me feel that GOD does not exist, but that feeling lasts only for a second, because my paati always tells me to trust GOD and whatever he does has a meaning and a purpose, so if I have to believe that, GOD taking away my paati from my is also meant for a reason and purpose. I know life moves on and it never stagnates.
The heaviness and void such death's create in you is very difficult to overcome, though we all understand and accept the fact that no one is gonna stay on this planet forever, when you miss such an important person of your life, you just cannot come back to terms, and I am no exception to it, I am struggling hard to get over her demise. Wherever I see, whatever I do, I remember her, I can see her everywhere in this house, any item I touch or see reminds me of her, immediately my throat feels a bump and tears just roll out.
I know I did not feel the same heaviness when my mom died 21 years back, it's not that I was too young that I did not understand the gravity of the situation, I did understand that the loss of a mother is always an irreparable loss, but my mom is a person who did not bring me up as a child who is emotionally dependent on her. I have to do all my things on my own, right from packing lunch to school, to arranging books as per time table, ironing my school uniform, she made me grow independent and of course that is helping me a lot now as an adult, but my paati always pampered me and kept me by her side.
My paati is always special, this fucking JOB of mine made me a globe trotter from the last 1 decade, but which ever country I am, I never failed to call her, even for one single day of my life I have not slept without hearing her voice. She might not have done a master degree like me, but the kind of ethics and manners she has is something I have to take it forward, she never wanted to give trouble to anyone, till last March 2011, she was doing all her work on her own, right from washing her clothes to cooking for herself, she did everything on her own.
She never took anyone for granted, be it her son's or daughter's she always placed requests and never orders. At the time when her health did not co-operate with her, and she was a kind of bed-ridden, whenever she passes urine on the bed, she used to apologize, and tell us that she did not do it with an intent and she will clean the mess on her own, of course we will not allow her to do that, but what made me wonder is, how can someone be so nice even when they are physically not capable of doing their own things? She taught be all good things of life, if I am what I am today, I would credit all my good habits and qualities to my paati, coz, I learned them from her.
Her quality of forgiving even the enemy is something which I cannot learn, she has the heart to pardon the individuals who at some point tried to harm her and kill her peace, and she never complains and never preaches nasty things about someone to someone. She has 4 grandsons and 2 grand-daughters, but out of all the folks, I was the one who is as special as I was the one who stayed with her. Whatever she wants she will not ask her eldest son (my father), she asks me and the next hour or day, that thing will be there on her table, I with all my sincerity can say that, I never denied anything to her, I kept her like a queen, and of course she is.
Two months before her death she called me by her bed and then spoke to me for 2 hours, she told me that she is very much worried about her 3rd daughter who never got married (she also stays with me) and my father who has lost his wife, she took a promise from me saying, I should never ditch both of them, and I should take care of them till I die, she always worried about others and not much about her, she had a wish of me getting married, and by GOD's grace, before her death she could see my marriage and she told me that it was the most happiest day of her life.
I know I will always miss her and I will always remain to be her beloved grandson, but my duty is not over yet, I have to keep up my promise to her and I am sure she will be standing right next to me and always guide me in my life. No one can defeat death and the only way to keep a dead person alive is by taking the positives out of them and then leading a life as per their ethics and giving a meaning to the love and affection we had on them. I loved my paati and now it is my duty to lead a life which makes my environment happy and people giving credit to my paati for bringing me up.
Paati, I love you the most, I will miss you the most, but please be my guardian angel and guide me all through my life, there will be a time where I will join you and at that time, I am sure, you will be so proud of me. Keep showering your blessings on me and our family and on my dear friends as well. I know you must be having a nice time with your husband who left you when you were just 36 yrs old.
Pattammal P S
Born - 20-June-1923
Died - 29-June-2011
I love you darling; my sweet heart is no more with me.