Off late I have developed this habit of talking to the agents who call on my cell phone w.r.t Credit Cards, Personal Loans, Movie Rentals etc etc without disconnecting the line immediately. I am using this as a great opportunity to improve my sense of humor skills and giving a nice entertainment to my colleagues who sit around me, I thought of sharing some of the conversations I have with few agents of this sort and I hope you guys would enjoy reading this ...
Movie Rental Company (BIGFlix)
Ringing .... Ringing .... Ringing ....
Me: Hello, Satish here
Agent: Sir, we are calling from BigFlix Movie rental, is this a right time to talk to you sir ?
Me: Ok, you just said "We" are calling from BigFlix, so how many people we have in the call ? Is this some kind of a conference call ?
Agent: No sir, this is not a conference call, we may just record this call for audit purpose
Me: So, it is just only you and I in this call and it would be better if you would have said - "I am calling from BigFlix", ok carry on
Agent: Sir, thank you for your time in talking to BigFlix and willing to be our customer
Me: Wait, wait, I never called you, you only called me to discuss something, and how can you say that I am willing to be your customer or I am killing all your customer and all ?
Agent: Sorry sir, I wanted to thank you for considering BigFlix
Me: Again I am saying, I am not considering anything here, so what business you guys do ?
Agent: Sir, we are a movie rental company and we rent you DVDs. We have close to 5000 movies in our library and you can choose any movie you want, you can even order it online and we will deliver it right at your door step
Me: So you will send customers DVD's ahn ??
Agent: Yes sir.
Me: So what about this DVD Player ?? What will I do with just a DVD that you send ? I cannot see through a DVD and watch a movie right ? So will you send me DVD player as well ?
Agent: Sorry sir, we don't provide DVD player, we provide only DVD sir
Me: This is nonsense right ? What kind of customer service you guys are doing then ? Sending just a DVD is not going to be of any use naa ?
Agent: Silent .....
Me: Ok, leave that, let’s go to the basics, will you guys at least send a TV ? That is a mandate right ?
Agent: Sorry sir, we don't send TVs.
Me: Come on guys, you are running a business which is of no use to the end customer, you guys don't have an end-to-end solution here
Agent: Sir, we only give movie DVD's and the customer should have TV and DVD player
Me: This crazy right ? So tomorrow if BigFlix decides to start a HOTEL, you would expect your customers to bring Table, Chair, Plates, and Spoons etc etc ?? Won't you provide all those ??
Agent: Silent .....
Me: Ok assume that I will go ahead and get a DVD player and TV, what are the other services you guys provide other than sending DVD's
Agent: Sir, we have more than 5000 movies sir and you can order any movie you want online and we will deliver at your door step free of cost.
Me: So I can order any movie online is it ?? What if the movie I wanted to see is not with you guys ?
Agent: Sir we have close to 5000 movies sir, if your movie is not available online you will have to select another movie to rent
Me: Again that is not good right ? I pay money to watch the movies I like and not the movies you have.
Agent: So what kind of movies you would watch sir ?
Me: I watch all the latest movies which got released in the year 1920. Btw - Do you have to excellent movie called "Shantha Sakku Bhaai"
Agent: Sir, we only have movies which have released recently and not old movies
Me: This is terrible to hear yaar, then what kind of company you are ?? You don't provide me a DVD player to play, you don't provide me a TV, you don't have the movies your customer asks for, and then what the hell is good with BigFlix ?
Agent: Sir we have all latest English, Hindi, Tamil, Kannada and Malayalam movies sir
Me: See, I am a "thulu" speaking person, do you have "Thulu" language movies ?
Agent: No sir.
Me: Ok at least Konkini ?
Agent: No sir
Me: Forget it yaar, at least Urudu ?
Agent: No sir.
Me: Ok madam, let me ask you a frank question, if you were me, and if I say NO to all your questions, will you really be interested in doing business with me ?
Agent: No sir.
Agent: Sir, I can actually send my person to your place to discuss this further, he will come directly to your address, can you please let me know your address ?
Me: Currently I am in Japan, Wednesday I will be in Singapore, Friday I will be in Korea, do one thing, ask your guy to come and meet me in "Philippines" next Monday
Agent: Sir, we cannot come to Philippines sir
Me: You just said that your person can come directly to the address I provide and now you are changing your statement that he cannot come ?? Are you kidding ?
Agent: Sir, if it is only within Bangalore, he can come sir
Me: But you did not tell me this before naa, so you are trying to cheat your customers ?? Is it ?
Agent: No sir, we will do business only within INDIA sir
Me: So for customers like me who are globe trotters, you guys will not provide any service is it ? This is pathetic yaar.
Agent: Sorry sir
Me: Ok I am not interested to do business with such a useless company.
Agent: Thank you for talking to us sir, and you have a great day.
Agent: ................................................................ line disconnected.
Next post ... Insurance Policy Company (Stan Chartered)
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