It’s Recession Time ...

Ah, its recession time in IT once again and the companies are trying everything that they can do to increase the revenue and cut the cost. Cost cutting's first step has become "Job Cutting" and employers are firing left right and center, of course Satyam took this recession in a different way, they don't believe in cutting jobs so they have cut themselves from the market. So the end result is, job hoppers are not even dreaming to quit their job, consultants are not harassing you over the phone, job sites hit counts have come down drastically, those who have already uploaded their CVs on the job portals are taking it back, employees are doing anything their manager's ask them to do. Well what is the best way to get out of this mess? so here are my easy and simple steps to follow for both employers and employees to survive this recession storm ...

For Employers

Increasing revenue should be your first target and then comes cost cutting, here are some easy steps to increase the revenue - Start collecting money for printouts, 1 page 50 paisa, Have a counter just in front of the restroom, and charge Rs 2 for both the modes of bio-breaks, some employee may try to cheat the management, so place camera's inside the restrooms to avoid such situations. No stationary should be provided for free, charge Rs 5 for note books and Rs 3 for pens. HR people know which employee is in love with which employee, coz they are the people who gossip a lot and work little, collect the list of such employees and start giving threatening calls and extort money from them. Charge Re 1 for every email they send and 50 paisa for every email they receive. If the emails are personal then there should be a flat charge of Rs 2 for both incoming and out going. Browsing should obviously be charged, charge Rs 10 per hour for browsing and for chatting it would be Rs 1 per chat line. Install jammers inside the office premises and jam the signal of employee’s cell phone, at the same time provide calling booths inside the office and charge heavily for each call they make.

For employees who listen to songs from their desk, there would be an additional charge of Rs 50 per day on "Entertainment Quota" and also there should be an unlimited plan where employees can listen songs all thru the day and the charge would be Rs 1000 per month. Employees will be charged for the food that is being provided by the company and that is a policy by default, in order to increase the revenue, start charging for the amount of food they waste so they will have to pay for both. Managers can start collecting bribes from each employee so that he can assign less complex tasks to them, more the bribe amount, less the tasks assigned. That money can be pooled into the company's financial system. Employees, who want to sit next to some beautiful girl of that organization, can pay an amount of Rs 50000 per year and can sit next to that person. If that beautiful girl objects to that, he has to pay additional amount of Rs 25000 which would override her decision by the management. If that beautiful girl happens to get engaged or married or quit the organization, the management would not hold any responsibility.

Now coming to the cost cutting part - There are humpty number of ways to adapt when it comes to cost cutting and there are already many ways that have been proven fool proof in this industry, for example, switching off the AC after 6, stopping coffee / milk, no onsite travel etc etc, but with the current phase of recession, those does not seem to suffice to withstand this storm, so here are some more creative ideas to inject cost cutting in the company. First switch off all the lights, it's actually a huge saving not only to the company, but also to the country. If some employee complains that he or she cannot see the keyboard and type, fire them immediately sighting "poor sight". Coffee vending machines consume high electricity and needs lots of maintenance as well, at the same time the company cannot say they cannot offer coffee to it's employees, so sell all the coffee vending machines and tie one cow per floor, that cow should be well build and should have sharp horns, and the employees can feel free to milk the cow anytime and have their coffee. Cow gives milk without electricity, so you save cost on power.

Employers who provide cab services to pick up and drop it's employees can now start providing horses and bullock carts, employee safety takes first preference, they may get hurt or meet with an accident if they come in motor vehicles, so traveling by horses / bullock carts are even more safer. Since bullocks do not have a better vision during the night time, well grown owls should be used for house drop in the night. All organizations have old employees who just could not control their "fart", identify such employees and give them a good round of counseling and convince them to accept for a tube to be inserted to their back, so that the gas that is getting released would be collected in a cylinder, this processes reduces the cost of buying room fresheners to a great extent. Stop water supply in all the restrooms and if anyone asks for a reason tell them that there are lots of projects in the "pipeline" and hence there won’t be water supply. All conference rooms and discussion rooms should have a blackboard and chalk piece sticks, this would save cost on buying those whiteboard markers which anyways would write in white color once the ink gets dried. Similarly all projectors would be removed and a big magnifying lens would be placed for projecting screens.

For Employees

You folks must be irritated and frustrated by these cost cuttings and job cuttings, just chill out folks, we too have great options to survive this recession storm. First you have to prove the management that you are indispensable to that company, it is not that you should prove that by doing hard work, there are simple ways too. Easiest way is to marry your Project Manager or Vice President or Director's daughter, which would take care ensuring 50% of job security. Employees, who could not do that, should feel themselves as unlucky. If your manager is a guy, send him at least one link a day where he can see beautiful babes, and if it's a lady, send her one cooking tip a day, that would do. Do things that would impress your manager, ask him to leave the office early in the evening and assure him that you will take care of all his tasks, at the same time, inform to his manager that he has left the office by 4 PM and you impress him as well, this is what we call, one stone two mangoes. Give the management the feel that you are always working and they should never see you browsing or chatting. The simple way to do that is, take a snapshot of the application you generally work with and put that as your desktop background.

If there are no conference calls scheduled during the late hours of the day, just call up airtel and talk to that automatic voice response system, anyways managers are not going to understand, but remember to take it on the hand set and not on the speaker. When sending emails to your manager, make sure that these words come there for sure, whether there is a need for it or not - "under your able guidance", "with your support and encouragement", "as per your advice", "you rock", "I am blessed to work for you" etc etc. If your manager feels that the AC is cold, you should also feel the same thing, but he may feel terribly cold, just because he has not pulled up his zip after a short pee. Ok in short what I am trying to say is, treat your boss as your GOD, till he is getting fired. Invent work for yourself; don’t ever roam here and there in the floor just because you don’t have anything to do. Last but not the least, keep your managers updated and posted, even if you are stepping out for a fag or to attend a nature call.

I know these are difficult times for employees like us; also the employers are taking advantage of this situation and then piercing our wound even harder, this situation shall change anytime and after that we can trumpet on the roof and say that "We have survived this recession as well". For me this is the 3rd recession that I am seeing after coming into this industry, I don't know what's there for me in store.

Comments

  1. hahaha.. neenga yaar pakkam pesareenganne enakku theriyala. It was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. hehehe this was a funny one
    esp putting camera s in rest rooms :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. ROTFL.
    Indha techniques use panna we'll be out of recession in hardly 2 months.

    And by using Bullock carts and horse carriages, the country can be saved from pollution also.

    ReplyDelete
  4. whatever, it the employee who is going to be affected. But some female employee such as married women would be freed. They really want to leave the job, but cannot do it due to the bulk salary getting every month. So they would be realxed and take rest for a while. That actually happened to one of my friend. She wanted to stay at home with her son. But she cannot and don't want to, becasue of the additional income. When she found out she might be laid off, she resigned her job and enjoying every moment with her son now. After some months, she will start looking for a job.

    Sat, Have you recommended a any person to be laid off to your manager?

    ReplyDelete

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